Suicide Survivor

I am a suicide survivor and this is one of the most deeply personal blog entries that I will write.

A suicide survivor isn't someone who has attempted suicide and lived, it is one of the people left behind after a suicide.

On February 28, 2014, my partner and best friend killed himself. Apparently, he took a dose of cyanide, and although he "lived" for three days until March 2, 2014, he died that Friday when he heard the "guilty" verdict from a jury that was prevented from hearing the full story.

One of the struggles that many suicide survivors go through is thinking that the one gone didn't love them. I'm here to tell you that isn't true.

Often, the only reason a suicide has lived one more hour, one more day, is out of love for those around them and a desire to not cause them pain.

Jon and I had many discussions about his depression and suicidality. I had no illusions that he spent much of his time wanting to die, especially after the lies that destroyed his faith in many people.

What I never doubted either was that his love for me (as well as his mother and sister) was what kept him going for almost two years.

We both knew that the verdict that came down would be used by the same corrupt individuals to try to destroy my life and that of my children. Oddly enough, the lesson that Jon indirectly taught my children was that true family stands together, even through the bad times; and that love and faith in truth and justice is more important than money and power and desire for fame.

So I know that his love for me kept him going, kept him strong, kept him wearing his "mask" to appear as though he was okay.

But there are so many other ways that he expressed his love for me.

At the end of the day, I would come home to dishes washed, dinner ready or planned, and a relatively clean house. If you think this is "no big deal", keep in mind that Jon's depression would keep him in bed curled up in a ball on many days, and the energy he expended to get up and do those things would make him sleep for hours later.

Jon would be the one to say - "let's go...(fishing, out to dinner, to the movies)" because he knew that I wasn't ashamed of him and wasn't scared of what other people would think. To accomplish this, he had to muster up all his strength because every time he went in public he was frightened that people would point their fingers or believe the worst of him.

Depression is a dark and ugly and scary world, and one that I had problems dealing with...so I had to frame it in the abstract, make it hypothetical. I did this out of my love for Jon, because it was part of him that I had to deal with in order to stay by his side.

And it got very dark and scary at times - but Jon's love for me is what kept him on the straight and narrow path.

Depression was part of Jon when he returned into my life. We had known each other from seventh grade through graduation, but had lost touch along the way. In the intervening years, life had dealt him some nasty turns, and that's when the depression really grabbed hold of him.

His love for me was what made him listen when all he wanted to do was wreak havoc on those who had worked to destroy him.

His love for me was what kept him from utilizing all his resources to take down those corrupt individuals who decided that money, power, job security, political position, were far more important than five children, two adults, and their friends and family members.

Jon was brilliant, far too smart to have ever done what he was accused of doing, and able to accomplish pretty much anything he set his mind to do. This is the same man who somehow manufactured cyanide and was able to kill himself while in court custody - something that most other people wouldn't think was even possible.

I learned far more than I needed to know about the Silk Road, the upper echelon of Anonymous, zero day apps, honey pots, LD50, and more. And none of those was utilized, because Jon listened to me out of love, and realized that it wouldn't be the right thing.

So at the end of the day, love wins.

Jon didn't commit suicide - he was issued a death sentence. The verdict didn't come from the misguided jury, it came from the judge who chose to suppress all evidence of Jon's innocence. It came from the District Attorney and Assistant District Attorney that denied him justice, persecuted and prosecuted an innocent man, and harassed his family and friends. It came from the DSS attorney who repeatedly stated to OUR attorneys that he knew all the charges were "BS", but that he had been "ordered" to proceed by the county government to avoid a lawsuit.

I'm not sure how any of you sleep at night, but kiss your integrity goodbye. You lost that when you deliberately, and with malice aforethought, sent an innocent man to die.

Stand up, speak out, expose corruption!

Bottom Feeding Sharks

This entire blog is meant in no disrespect to any actual sharks, real bottom feeders, or attorneys who take the concept of justice seriously.

However during the course of our three year ordeal, we have met many attorneys who not only have no respect for justice, they wouldn't know the truth if it hit them in the face. This is combined with their apparent belief that their behavior is beyond scrutiny and reproach.

A first example is the DSS attorney who repeatedly stated that he knew that all the charges were "BS" (as he told one witness, Jon and I, and several of our attorneys), but that he was "under orders" to go ahead with the case anyways.

The second and third examples are the District Attorneys.

Fourth and fifth are the Attorneys for Child for my youngest daughter and Ruby.

However, the Bottom Feeding Shark of the year award really needs to go to Ken Shaw's attorney.

Read the linked entries to find out to just what depths some of these "people" will descend.

Finally, the behavior of the the judges involved in this case demonstrates their total lack of regard for principles of law, justice, and truth.

AFC = All For Cash

Actually, AFC stands for "Attorney for Child", and is a person appointed by the court to represent the "best interests" of the child.

Unfortunately, some of them make an entire legal career out of their paycheck as AFC, and develop inappropriate relationships with other Family Court attorneys and CPS.

Two of my children were adults at the time of the false allegations which precipitated this case, and so weren't even a party to the case or in need of or eligible for an AFC.

The only complaints that I have against my middle child's AFC are the following:

• Although she met often enough with my daughter, she failed to express my daughter's wishes to the court until my daughter sent an advocate into court also.
• Once my daughter turned 18, she quit the case and returned my daughter's file to her with the directive that my daughter had to find her own attorney. (That lead to a bill of over $20K because of how long they dragged out the case - it should have been tuition money for my daughter for a year.) Given that by that point in time a year had passed and it was VERY apparent that the case was a trainwreck, I really don't blame her in that respect.

The AFC for my youngest daughter was a downright disgrace. I'm not sure if she felt that as a supermodel's sister (and therefore related to a community icon) she had immunity from competence, but her conduct during the course of the case was a blot on the legal profession.

• Apart from a meeting with my youngest daughter within a few weeks of the false allegations, she did not meet or talk with my daughter again until December - almost five months later.
• When one of my family members requested visitation arrangements for Thanksgiving, the AFC stated "the father is not interested". This is called "ex parte" communication - representing the father's interest is in direct violation of her appointment and should be punishable by the ethics committee.
• By her own admission, the AFC was in frequent contact with Ken and Mary Shaw, and represented their interests and advocated for their position, not that of my daughter.
• The AFC sat in the CPS office consulting with them prior to most of our court dates.
• The AFC stated on at least one occasion that my youngest daughter was "her child".
• Most bizarre of all was that the AFC stated that ****** ******* was not my father to the judge and the other attorneys. By now you should know that I have a penchant for writing, and it prompted this response on my Facebook page - which I was aware was being monitored by CPS, the DA, the AFCs, and others.

• Unfortunately, because of that "public" admonishment of her, the AFC stated to the judge that she was "scared" of me and requested heightened security in the courtroom. (Sorry my dear, I am a firm believer that the pen IS mightier than the sword. I am also a practitioner of non-violence - my airsoft forays are with a camera and not a gun.)
• Finally, after those last three outbursts, she suffered some sort of "medical issue" and was no longer available for the dispositional hearing. I'm sorry, but incompetence is NOT a medical issue.

And finally there is the AFC for Ruby.  How shall I begin? 

• During the second year of our ordeal, Ruby's AFC announced her campaign for Family Court Judge. I'm sure she was thinking that she would ride the coattails of a false conviction to a landslide victory. Sorry, it didn't work out that way - most of the county knows that the allegations were false, and when you represent false allegations, you don't have much of a chance.
• It would be interesting to see if she billed Jefferson County for the time she spent sitting in the courtroom for Jon Massey's trial, because she was there for almost the entire five day 9-5 proceeding.
• The AFC lied to the judge on at least one occasion regarding Ruby's activities while in foster care.
• Ruby's AFC presented to the judge from almost the beginning of the case that RUBY wanted an Order of Protection against me and that RUBY wanted no contact with me. But then when convenient,  she repeatedly presented that I was the one who requested no contact. Honey, transcripts don't lie - so you shouldn't either. And we have all the transcripts.
• Ruby's AFC also repeatedly claimed that Ruby was "heartbroken" that she had lost all contact with her sisters - but her two older sisters repeatedly tried to call her at her foster home, and the CPS notes indicate that Ruby wanted no contact with them.
• Ruby's AFC wrongfully acted to unseal a Youthful Offender record, with full knowledge that it was sealed - but she portrayed to the judge that "she didn't know".
• This same AFC also was unable to correctly submit evidence to the court, and had to be taught step by step BY MY ATTORNEY how to do so. Such a wonderful skill set to be lacking while running for the position of judge (yes, that is sarcasm).

So, pardon me if I am cynical, but I think there needs to be a massive overhaul of the AFC program. Too many of these attorneys are only in the program for the cash and have no regard for appropriate legal practices. They treat their job as though their employer is Family Court and CPS, rather than the child for whom they should be vigorously advocating.

It is time for SWEEPING reform of the entire Family Court system, including CPS and the AFC program.