Suicide Survivor

I am a suicide survivor and this is one of the most deeply personal blog entries that I will write.

A suicide survivor isn't someone who has attempted suicide and lived, it is one of the people left behind after a suicide.

On February 28, 2014, my partner and best friend killed himself. Apparently, he took a dose of cyanide, and although he "lived" for three days until March 2, 2014, he died that Friday when he heard the "guilty" verdict from a jury that was prevented from hearing the full story.

One of the struggles that many suicide survivors go through is thinking that the one gone didn't love them. I'm here to tell you that isn't true.

Often, the only reason a suicide has lived one more hour, one more day, is out of love for those around them and a desire to not cause them pain.

Jon and I had many discussions about his depression and suicidality. I had no illusions that he spent much of his time wanting to die, especially after the lies that destroyed his faith in many people.

What I never doubted either was that his love for me (as well as his mother and sister) was what kept him going for almost two years.

We both knew that the verdict that came down would be used by the same corrupt individuals to try to destroy my life and that of my children. Oddly enough, the lesson that Jon indirectly taught my children was that true family stands together, even through the bad times; and that love and faith in truth and justice is more important than money and power and desire for fame.

So I know that his love for me kept him going, kept him strong, kept him wearing his "mask" to appear as though he was okay.

But there are so many other ways that he expressed his love for me.

At the end of the day, I would come home to dishes washed, dinner ready or planned, and a relatively clean house. If you think this is "no big deal", keep in mind that Jon's depression would keep him in bed curled up in a ball on many days, and the energy he expended to get up and do those things would make him sleep for hours later.

Jon would be the one to say - "let's go...(fishing, out to dinner, to the movies)" because he knew that I wasn't ashamed of him and wasn't scared of what other people would think. To accomplish this, he had to muster up all his strength because every time he went in public he was frightened that people would point their fingers or believe the worst of him.

Depression is a dark and ugly and scary world, and one that I had problems dealing with...so I had to frame it in the abstract, make it hypothetical. I did this out of my love for Jon, because it was part of him that I had to deal with in order to stay by his side.

And it got very dark and scary at times - but Jon's love for me is what kept him on the straight and narrow path.

Depression was part of Jon when he returned into my life. We had known each other from seventh grade through graduation, but had lost touch along the way. In the intervening years, life had dealt him some nasty turns, and that's when the depression really grabbed hold of him.

His love for me was what made him listen when all he wanted to do was wreak havoc on those who had worked to destroy him.

His love for me was what kept him from utilizing all his resources to take down those corrupt individuals who decided that money, power, job security, political position, were far more important than five children, two adults, and their friends and family members.

Jon was brilliant, far too smart to have ever done what he was accused of doing, and able to accomplish pretty much anything he set his mind to do. This is the same man who somehow manufactured cyanide and was able to kill himself while in court custody - something that most other people wouldn't think was even possible.

I learned far more than I needed to know about the Silk Road, the upper echelon of Anonymous, zero day apps, honey pots, LD50, and more. And none of those was utilized, because Jon listened to me out of love, and realized that it wouldn't be the right thing.

So at the end of the day, love wins.

Jon didn't commit suicide - he was issued a death sentence. The verdict didn't come from the misguided jury, it came from the judge who chose to suppress all evidence of Jon's innocence. It came from the District Attorney and Assistant District Attorney that denied him justice, persecuted and prosecuted an innocent man, and harassed his family and friends. It came from the DSS attorney who repeatedly stated to OUR attorneys that he knew all the charges were "BS", but that he had been "ordered" to proceed by the county government to avoid a lawsuit.

I'm not sure how any of you sleep at night, but kiss your integrity goodbye. You lost that when you deliberately, and with malice aforethought, sent an innocent man to die.

Stand up, speak out, expose corruption!

CPS Kills Kids!

Standing up for the truth is no longer praised and rewarded in society, it is punished - often to an extreme level.

One of the most obvious examples is in the Child Protective/Family Court system.

The minute a parent/family begins to assert their rights and speak up for the truth, tries to expose the lies and fraud being committed, CPS opens the floodgates and musters every resource at their command to attack and vilify them.

And trust me, their resources are far-reaching - they can recruit law enforcement and District Attorneys to add additional pressure, threats, and charges to try to force a family to back down.

One of the biggest pieces of leverage that CPS uses is wrongful seizure of children. Once CPS has gained control over the children, they are able to manipulate the parents using the false promise of returning the children.

And then CPS fails to keep children safe.

Children are killed while in the custody of CPS.

And now a new report: in January a foster father burned an 11-month old to death in a bathtub. A family court judge had removed the baby from his parents shortly after birth due claiming it would be in the child's "best interests". Apparently in the eyes of CPS and Family Court, death is a child's best interest.

This week, a 6-month old died while in CPS custody, in a foster home that CPS claimed would keep her safe.

A year ago a toddler was killed in Las Vegas by her foster father, who then killed himself. No charges were filed against the foster mother.

Two years ago, a toddler was removed from her parents and placed in foster care. They immediately began to notice issues, and then they received a phone call informing them their daughter was in the hospital. She subsequently died from injuries inflicted by her foster mother (who had been the subject of prior complaints).

And children kill themselves while in foster care.

In December, a 6 year old girl in foster care supposedly hung herself. Yet a child of that age killing themself is almost unheard of, especially when she should have been supervised due to her age, and there are still many unanswered questions.

In 2009, a 7 year old boy hung himself - attributed to the psychiatric drugs that CPS had arranged for him to take, without parental consent.

In 2011, a 14 year old committed suicide after being shuffled between 22 foster homes in 13 years.

In September of 2014, Karmah Jayne Hall committed suicide while in foster care, and her biological family was never informed. Instead they learned of the death through a Facebook post.

CPS does NOT care about the safety and well-being of children and families. It is all a numbers game. For each child removed from a parent's custody, they get money from the federal, state, and local government.

This includes wrongfully removing children from loving homes and parents, and placing children with foster parents who may not pass background checks or who may be in it just for the money. When there isn't enough foster care space, children are placed in juvenile detention facilities.

The links above are just a few of many articles - do a Google search yourself using "death while in foster care", "suicide while in foster care", or any other horrendous outcome followed by "while in foster care". Then change to "while in CPS custody" and a whole new batch will appear.

The riots in Ferguson, Baltimore, and NYC centered around the theme of "one death is too many". Why doesn't this apply to our children and help shut down a system that singlehandedly accounts for more deaths, more wrongful "incarcerations", more deprivation of Constitutional rights than any other agency in our society?

ONE DEATH IS TOO MANY! Stand up, speak out, expose CPS!

Pushing Buttons!

Suicide is a criminal offense!

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that the person who commits suicide is a criminal - the criminals are those who put any person in a situation where they perceive that suicide is their only option!

Who are some of the victims of this particular offense?

Dave and Tiffany O'Shell were two police officers who were wrongfully charged with abuse when doctor's failed to diagnose their daughter with a genetic disorder. Their despondency at the persecution of their family by child protective services and the criminal courts led to a murder-suicide for the husband and wife. And the family was unable to prevail in a lawsuit against CPS for wrongful actions. The irony is that their daughter was diagnosed with a genetic disorder that explained her injuries and also caused her death soon after.

Eleanor de Freitas brought rape charges to the police, but although they believed her story, they felt there wasn't enough evidence to secure a conviction. The alleged perpetrator spent over 200,000 pounds to bring private prosecution against her and the Crown Prosecutor joined in (smell the money trail?). Eleanor, who suffered from bi-polar disorder, killed herself as a result.

Ron Mayfield Jr. was a teacher falsely accused of assault by a disruptive student. Without even informing or consulting the boy's parents, the school and CPS pursued charges against him. He was cleared by the police the morning that he killed himself, sadly enough. David Alan Papadakos suffered similar persecution after false allegations by his adopted son (who was on psychiatric meds at the time), and he also killed himself as a result.

Chris Mackney is another case, in which an ex-wife repeatedly and continuously dragged Chris through the Family Court system and criminal courts until he was bankrupt and had lost all hope of contact with his children. Despair over the inequity of the justice system caused Chris to kill himself.

I have previously written about Jon Massey, whose despondency over being unable to present the evidence and witnesses that would show the allegations against him were false made him give up all hope of justice and take his own life.

A simple Google search for "suicide", combined with any other terms of your choosing (false allegations, bullying, harassment, CPS, Family Court, etc) leads to hundreds of results of actual people who have been victimized by a system that fails to take action against those who have brought them to the brink of death.

In many suicides there are clear and distinct signs that actions and words of an individual or group were what prompted the attempt (whether successful or not), yet those people and systems responsible for the death of another person are rarely, if ever, held accountable.

What is not-so-surprisingly missing are the statistics on how many parents and children have died after being wrongfully dragged through the Family Court or Criminal Court systems by CPS. At this point, unless the friends and family members come forward, the true numbers will never be known.

What is known is that for over 25 years there have been questions about the legitimacy of the CPS system and the actions that it takes - often using coercive and underhanded techniques to continue cases without merit while ignoring the actual reasons for false allegations. (Click here for an article that details statistics from 1990 and earlier regarding false allegations and their effect on families.)

It is time to stand up, speak out, and expose the corruption that has existed for more than a quarter of a century!

The Unanswered Question

People are still going back to the question of where and how Jon Massey was able to get cyanide.

The why is fairly obvious - everyone knows what happens to "chomos" (child molesters) in prison, they are the lowest of the low and usually don't make it out alive.

But there are numerous irregularities about the "official" reports that surrounded Jon's collapse and subsequent death.

The first issue is that "a court employee" allegedly stated that they saw Jon put something in his mouth. Of course a court employee said that - after all, the judge knowingly waved off the court officer when he tried to put handcuffs on Jon. And the judge had full knowledge of the level of Jon's long-term depression and suicidality, those records were part of the medical reports that he ordered turned over to the DA.

A better question than where Jon got cyanide would be, "Why did a judge knowingly interfere with standard safety procedures on an extremely high-risk defendant?" After all, Jon had already attempted suicide with just the false allegations. Wouldn't being wrongfully found guilty increase his determination?

Let's get back to that hypothetical, unnamed court employee. Jon's best friend, Ruby's older sister, and I were in the courtroom that day also. We already knew that his attorney was watching the jury. But the three of us were watching Jon closely because we were concerned that he would try to kill himself. And he put nothing in his mouth. The only thing he did was to pick up a cup of water and drink it - without putting his hand to his mouth or dropping anything in the cup.

As a matter of fact, before we reentered the courtroom to hear the jury verdict, Jon's attorney asked him to get himself squared away. Jon kept his glasses, his comb, and made sure he had $50 for the commissary - not the actions of a man on the verge of killing himself. Jon also gave his attorney the order to file a notice of appeal immediately if necessary.

The second issue is that although the Undersheriff at the time had made the statement to the press that "Jon told the deputy at the loading dock that he had taken cyanide", one of our family members spoke to both deputies who had been there to transport Jon. Both deputies said that Jon collapsed without saying a word immediately upon exiting the elevator.

The third issue is that somehow, conveniently, no paperwork was exchanged between the court officer and the transporting deputies, making Jon a "John Doe" at the hospital - and resulting in medical personnel being unable to access his records for over 20 minutes. This was combined with the fact that none of his family members (myself, his sister, his mother) were notified at all. I found out about him being hospitalized from the news, after he had been at the hospital for over 30 minutes.

So more appropriate questions at this point would be "Why wasn't Jon formally identified by the people who had him in custody?" and "Why wasn't the family informed immediately?" Either one of these actions could have potentially resulted in better medical care through faster access to his records.

Finally, even after the autopsy report confirmed that Jon died from cyanide poisoning, there was no investigation into where he had gotten it from. None.

The question really isn't about where or how Jon got the cyanide, frankly I don't know. I do know that even in high school he was incredibly bright and we had amazing teachers. Jon had taken AP Chemistry and earned one of the highest scores on the AP exam in our school's history. He always figured out anything he put his mind to - figuring out cyanide wouldn't have been a challenge.

The question that really needs answering is, "Why are there so many other issues surrounding Jon taking cyanide?"

The Damage Done

What has happened with us has been a horrendous experience for our family. The outcome of Jon Massey's trial and the almost three year long ordeal has caused much grief and destruction to our family. But the damage inflicted as a result of all of this is much further reaching.

There are many unspoken and unrecognized victims when wrongful persecutions and prosecutions take place, as they did in Jon's case and the case against our family.

First are the twelve jurors and two alternates (or whatever the numbers may be in other cases) who became victims of a legal and judicial system that deliberately misled them. In Jon's case, the impact must be horrendous - even at the initial announcement of his death, some of them must have felt pangs of guilt. However when they realized that the DA and the judge deliberately restricted information from them which would have changed their minds and reversed their verdict, they probably felt overwhelmed. Although I feel that they were naive, to a degree, in arriving at their decision based on what the DA reported (being able to describe differences that are taught in local health classes, even though she inaccurately described Jon's physical characteristics), the volume and nature of the information that was withheld from the jury would have been a major deciding factor for them.

By that same standard, the court officer who took Jon into custody was also a victim, as he attempted to do his duty in securing Jon, but was waved off by the judge. He must wonder if he could have prevented Jon's death by insisting on doing his job correctly.

Also impacted were the corrections officers who were involved with Jon at the hospital. Although at least one of them volunteered for the watch duty because he was friends with the family, this was not an easy job for any of them - they had to watch a man slowly die over a period of three days, and it was a slow death with horrendous physical deterioration. Additionally, they had to witness the injustice inflicted on the family members by their "bosses", and were required to enforce standards that were punitive and not practical.

For that matter, the doctor assigned to the case, as well as the nursing staff and hospital personnel, were all victims of the injustice that occurred. They had to care for a man who would ultimately die, knowing that there was nothing that they could do to avoid the outcome, despite the heroic measures that they took.

At this point, before you start to point out that Jon's decision to kill himself caused these people to become victims, you should ask yourself whether you would attempt the same thing should you be wrongfully convicted. Jon already knew that an appeal could take up to two years, and many of us know what happens in prison to someone who is a "chomo" or a "pedo" - it is thrown around in social media as being an appropriate punishment for these individuals. These were all factors that have led to more than one suicide.

Far wider reaching however is the "girl who cried wolf" aspect of this case. False allegations cause long-lasting destruction.

Jon was a well-liked man who would literally give the shirt off his back to people (and had done so for one of his friends during a business meeting). If someone needed something and he could help them out, he did - and this behavior continued even while we were going through this ordeal.

The impact of the wrongful conviction of a man like this destroys the faith of many people in our criminal justice and judicial systems. It is one thing to make snarky comments on social media about people you don't know being arrested and/or convicted, it is completely different when someone who had such a positive impact on so many people becomes a victim of the system. People question the system and become a predisposed jury pool, more likely to find a defendant innocent who may actually be guilty.

True victims of sexual abuse were also irreparably harmed in multiple ways.

The time and resources that were wasted on prosecuting Ruby's case (and continue to be squandered by CPS and the county with our appeal), were things that should have been used to locate and assist true victims. By the statements of the DSS attorney throughout our case, he knew that Jon and I weren't guilty of the charges being brought, but he and the DA were "under orders" to continue to pursue action against us. We have a few other CPS employees who are now openly stating that it was known all along that the charges were false, but that they didn't dare speak out or they would lose their jobs.

Ruby's claims were so obviously false, yet secured a wrongful conviction. In the aftermath of knowing that this happened, many people will be far less likely to convict when the more ambiguous claims of a true victim are brought forward.

The ability of one manipulative teen to "game the system" and achieve her stated goal casts doubt on any and all teens who come forward with claims of abuse - they will be scrutinized more closely than they might otherwise have been by those who should be helping them.

It is unspoken that not only Jon and our family, especially my youngest daughter, were  negatively impacted were but all the extended friends and family that we had together and individually. Jon had a far reaching impact - he was working diligently with several small businesses to bring them into the digital age and implement technology that helped them grow and expand. They lost this valuable resource and his skills aren't easy to replace locally.

We read every day about wrongful convictions being overturned, and there is recognition of the harm caused to those individuals and their families, but what is often not acknowledged or recognized is the irreparable damage caused to those individuals that they impacted and the beliefs of all who were touched by their case.

Can we have a moment of silence and reflection please?

Suicide Is NOT a "Choice"!

For the "start of the story", visit the Jon Massey Case.

Jon had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder with suicidal ideations in 2004, but had been suffering with medical and other issues for years before that.

This was long before Jon and I had reunited in 2008 - I say reunited because we met in Junior High and were friends all through high school - graduating together in 1979.

Depression is not easy to deal with, but Jon and I did our best to not let it affect our lives.

Unfortunately, in New York State - apparently a suicide attempt can be used as an "indicator of guilt" by police and prosecutors, so Jon leaving the house to attempt to kill himself when Ruby made her allegations was not seen as a response that was part of his medical disability, but rather an attempt to avoid prosecution.

This could not be further from the truth. If you asked any 10 men what their response would be if a teenage girl accused them of sexually molesting her, I have no doubts that at least 8 of them would admit that they would think about suicide.

So for a man who already had the predisposition, Jon's response was no more abnormal than it would be if he wanted a cup of tea and the sugar bowl was empty - anything big or small could be a trigger for his suicidality.

What I do know is that Jon pulled himself back from the edge that day when he was picked up by the Sheriff's department, and he spent the next two years fighting back his suicidal urges every day to try to prove himself innocent. He knew that the only way to save our family was to continue to fight, despite all the obvious corruption that was continuously thrown at us.

Jon's fight from July 2012 through February 2014 is how anyone should know that he was not guilty - a man with his level of depression would simply have found a way to kill himself as soon as possible rather than fight a corrupt system against incredible odds.

And yet, "Honorable" John Brennan, in his infinite wisdom, when our case finally came before him in Family Court, became just as abusive and corrupt as Judge Martusewicz. We have the transcript in which Judge Brennan stated on the record that Jon Massey's suicide was a "choice" by which Jon relinquished his right to appeal.

Judge Brennan, suicide is never a "choice"! Your choice of words was inappropriate beyond measure, and most probably an ADA violation.

Judge Martusewicz, your choice of waving off standard courtroom procedures when placing Jon under arrest upon the verdict was also most likely an ADA violation. You had been presented with evidence of his longstanding depression including multiple hospitalizations for suicidality, yet you took no precautions to treat Jon as a suicide risk upon taking him into custody. 

Although, given the fact that you listened to at least 5 prosecution witnesses testify in front of you that Ruby had given each of them the same allegations (using multiple references - "last year", "eighth grade", and 2010-2011) and then she changed her story three days later and you didn't think it was an issue, I would say that you may have some serious perceptual issues.

The two of you will have to live with the choices you made, in driving a man to the brink of despair by your manipulation and stupidity, and then your choices to add insult to injury after his death.

But Jon did not make a "choice" - he was forced into his actions by the corrupt system that is represented by both of you. With the narrow minded thinking that the two of you demonstrated, I'm sure that you tell yourselves that people "choose" to be bullied and abused.

Suicide is NOT a "choice"!

It is time to stand up, speak out, and expose a corrupt system that FORCES people to bring themselves to the end!