Monday, August 17, 2015

Suicide Survivor

I am a suicide survivor and this is one of the most deeply personal blog entries that I will write.

A suicide survivor isn't someone who has attempted suicide and lived, it is one of the people left behind after a suicide.

On February 28, 2014, my partner and best friend killed himself. Apparently, he took a dose of cyanide, and although he "lived" for three days until March 2, 2014, he died that Friday when he heard the "guilty" verdict from a jury that was prevented from hearing the full story.

One of the struggles that many suicide survivors go through is thinking that the one gone didn't love them. I'm here to tell you that isn't true.

Often, the only reason a suicide has lived one more hour, one more day, is out of love for those around them and a desire to not cause them pain.

Jon and I had many discussions about his depression and suicidality. I had no illusions that he spent much of his time wanting to die, especially after the lies that destroyed his faith in many people.

What I never doubted either was that his love for me (as well as his mother and sister) was what kept him going for almost two years.

We both knew that the verdict that came down would be used by the same corrupt individuals to try to destroy my life and that of my children. Oddly enough, the lesson that Jon indirectly taught my children was that true family stands together, even through the bad times; and that love and faith in truth and justice is more important than money and power and desire for fame.

So I know that his love for me kept him going, kept him strong, kept him wearing his "mask" to appear as though he was okay.

But there are so many other ways that he expressed his love for me.

At the end of the day, I would come home to dishes washed, dinner ready or planned, and a relatively clean house. If you think this is "no big deal", keep in mind that Jon's depression would keep him in bed curled up in a ball on many days, and the energy he expended to get up and do those things would make him sleep for hours later.

Jon would be the one to say - "let's go...(fishing, out to dinner, to the movies)" because he knew that I wasn't ashamed of him and wasn't scared of what other people would think. To accomplish this, he had to muster up all his strength because every time he went in public he was frightened that people would point their fingers or believe the worst of him.

Depression is a dark and ugly and scary world, and one that I had problems dealing I had to frame it in the abstract, make it hypothetical. I did this out of my love for Jon, because it was part of him that I had to deal with in order to stay by his side.

And it got very dark and scary at times - but Jon's love for me is what kept him on the straight and narrow path.

Depression was part of Jon when he returned into my life. We had known each other from seventh grade through graduation, but had lost touch along the way. In the intervening years, life had dealt him some nasty turns, and that's when the depression really grabbed hold of him.

His love for me was what made him listen when all he wanted to do was wreak havoc on those who had worked to destroy him.

His love for me was what kept him from utilizing all his resources to take down those corrupt individuals who decided that money, power, job security, political position, were far more important than five children, two adults, and their friends and family members.

Jon was brilliant, far too smart to have ever done what he was accused of doing, and able to accomplish pretty much anything he set his mind to do. This is the same man who somehow manufactured cyanide and was able to kill himself while in court custody - something that most other people wouldn't think was even possible.

I learned far more than I needed to know about the Silk Road, the upper echelon of Anonymous, zero day apps, honey pots, LD50, and more. And none of those was utilized, because Jon listened to me out of love, and realized that it wouldn't be the right thing.

So at the end of the day, love wins.

Jon didn't commit suicide - he was issued a death sentence. The verdict didn't come from the misguided jury, it came from the judge who chose to suppress all evidence of Jon's innocence. It came from the District Attorney and Assistant District Attorney that denied him justice, persecuted and prosecuted an innocent man, and harassed his family and friends. It came from the DSS attorney who repeatedly stated to OUR attorneys that he knew all the charges were "BS", but that he had been "ordered" to proceed by the county government to avoid a lawsuit.

I'm not sure how any of you sleep at night, but kiss your integrity goodbye. You lost that when you deliberately, and with malice aforethought, sent an innocent man to die.

Stand up, speak out, expose corruption!

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