Til Death... (Oh Captain, My Captain)

I was watching an episode of Elementary the other day, and Sherlock said something to the effect of "when you frame someone, the best result is for the framed person to end up dead, that way they can never prove their innocence".

This is the same goal for a parent who sets out to deliberately alienate a child (children) from the other parent. If the alienated parent ends up dead, the alienator wins. There is no way for that parent to prove their innocence and love for the child(ren).

After all, when an alienator sets out on their path of destruction, they don't just target the parent, the entire circle of family and friends gets drawn in to the abuse. Either others become supporters, or they also become secondary targets of alienation.

For the longest time, the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" was legitimately recognized as a valid concept. It takes both parents (whether together or apart) and both sides of the family, as well as the extended network of friends on both sides to truly help a child grow into a productive member of society. This is how our society once grew and prospered, and it was revisited again as recently as this past decade in educational circles.

Yet this whole idea is totally contrary to the interests of a sociopathic, psychopathic, or narcissistic parent. A parent who alienates the other parent and/or all family members and friends is not interested in raising a healthy child. They are interested in being the center of the universe, and the focus of their child's attention.

Saddest of all is when the alienated parent dies.

I witnessed just such an episode. In this case, the parent was custodial and able to minimize the negativity and attacks by the other parent simply because it could only occur during visitation.

However, once this parent died, the alienator was given custody and immediately kicked into overdrive - making up for years of lost time.

The children were completely isolated from the network of family and friends that they had once enjoyed. Any requests for contact or visits was rebuffed or given conditionally. (The alienator was placing financial demands on others - employment or outright requests for money) as the terms for "possibly" seeing the children.)

It is time to take a stand - to promote awareness of this form of psychological and emotional abuse directed at children and parents. It is time for the "family" courts to recognize that it is a real phenomenon and to enact appropriate evaluative techniques to minimize or prevent its occurrence.

It is time to stand up, speak out, and expose the flaws in our system!

A Small Death!

Many of us have suffered through the death of a loved one or family member, and have learned about the stages of grief through that experience. (For more information, click here for one source.)

Here is a quick summary of the stages:

1. Denial — The survivor imagines a false, preferable reality.
2. Anger — The individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, it becomes frustrated, especially at nearby individuals or those perceived as being involved. 
3. Bargaining — The third stage involves the individual making negotiations, whether internally or externally, to try to get a desired outcome.
4. Depression —During the fourth stage, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen, or have physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, stomach aches and headaches.
5. Acceptance — The individual embraces the inevitable future, as they perceive it, believing that nothing can or will change.

For a child, being removed from a parent is a form of loss. It may not be permanent (although an alienator and CPS will do their best to make it permanent), but the stages are no different.

CPS and parental alienators, either consciously or subconsciously, through planning or ignorance, take advantage of these stages in order to "prove" their case against the targeted parent.

Let's walk through each one.

1. Denial - Initially, a child will act as though everything is "business as usual" when they are dealing with being removed from a parent, or denied access to that parent. Children are usually very resilient and will perceive the situation as just a small problem. CPS uses this apparent "lack of caring" as "proof" that the child has been abused and is now "relieved" that they are no longer in the "abusive" environment. An alienator uses this stage as an opportunity to point out that the child really doesn't have feelings for the other parent and the denial of contact or change in custody should continue.
2. Anger - As time passes, and the child realizes that what has been forced on them isn't just a temporary problem, the child begins lashing out, especially at the targeted parent. Children are very instinctively intelligent, and realize that reacting against the people who have custody and care would result in punishment and repercussions. Instead, they respond with anger towards the targeted parent for several reasons - they are encouraged to do so by CPS or alienators, and because the child perceives that the targeted parent has failed to protect them and rescue them from the situation. Meanwhile, both CPS and alienators are able to strongly advance their case in court at this stage, by pointing out that the child "lashing out" at the target parent is further "proof" that the child was abused and should be kept from contact with that parent.
3. Bargaining - The next phase the child moves through is often known as "magical thinking". The child believes that if they do everything that is expected of them they will be able to get back to their parent. They usually do not express this outwardly, but instead become fully compliant with all expressed and unspoken wishes from CPS or the alienating parent. And once again, this is used as "documentation" and "proof", but now CPS and the alienating parent are able to present "documentation" for their case. The marked improvement (in behavior, attitude, grades, etc.) is now highlighted by CPS as being "proof" that the child was abused - confirming any false allegations that have been made. (This falls under the misuse of Child Sexual Abuse Accommodation Syndrome, read more by clicking here.) The alienating parent uses the changed behavior as further "proof" that the child does not need or want contact with the target parent.
4. Depression - During the grieving process, the child will often exhibit symptoms of depression - sleeplessness, crying, headaches, stomach aches. These may occur concurrently with other phases. These symptoms are "welcomed" by both CPS and alienators - they are able to point to concrete "proof" that any relationship with the target parent is causing the child physical distress. Regardless of when the child exhibits the symptoms, they are used to indict the target parent. If the target parent is still being allowed contact with the child, the physical symptoms are used to "prove" that the child is distressed before a visit or after a visit (so they can cover all the bases, because it is always before or after a visit). If the target parent has no contact, CPS and the alienating parent use the symptoms as "proof" in a different way - they claim that the child is fearful that visits will resume.
5. Acceptance - Children actually know much more than they are given credit for. When, in their minds, the child believes that they will no longer be able to resume their relationship with the target parent, they become resigned to the situation. This is the point when CPS uses the situation to justify adopting the child out, and when the alienator justifies sole custody with no visitation.

The saddest part of all is that an abusive system (CPS and Family Court) and abusive parents (alienators) utilize a time when a child is grieving to further victimize and abuse the child and the family. Most sane and rational people are able to recognize the common sense of what is spelled out above, and realize that neither CPS nor alienating parents are doing what is in the best interests of children.

Stop the insanity! Stand up, speak out! Expose CPS!